Tweets I Would Have Twittered if I Wasn’t Such a Twit

  • Stop reading whatever you’re reading and go read “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” by The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson.  I just finished it and I laughed until tears flowed down my leg.  It’s seriously funny, y’all.
  • Tears shed at a height of 36 inches will make a spatter 8 inches wide.  I know because I measured.  I secretly want to be Dexter.  And not just to measure blood spatter patterns.
  • When I write MY book, there will be a character named Patsy.  She bakes cakes for people who forget her birthday, loans money to people who talk behind her back and does all sorts of nice things for people who treat her badly.  Her life will be a parallel of mine.
  • Does anybody want a recycle bin?  We made one as a prototype for our Green Team to put on the fields, but after we spent $100, precious time and frustration dealing with the designer (MR) the ASSistant Superintendent of schools tells us he feels wood is not the best choice.  The kids might burn it down.  They did try to burn the school down, so I guess that was a good call.  We’re still stuck with this hobo-proof bin, however.
  • I’ve decided not to have any more birthdays.  They only make me sad and disappointed.  Next year, maybe we’ll go on a fantastic trip to celebrate our (not) turning 50.  After that, I’m ignoring April 21st.
  • I got suckered asked to take a part in the play Zombiegirl is in at church to raise money for the Youth Group to go to New Orleans this summer.  The person playing the part dropped out and then her understudy had to quit.  It’s a mystery (the play, not the reason they keep dropping out).  I play a wealthy heiress with a boy-toy boyfriend.  Yay.
  • Zombiegirl made the Middle School softball team and was asked to train this summer with the High School soccer team.  Beena got “TEACHER OF THE MONTH” at the learning center because her pupils are doing so well on the SAT’s.  Cheesestick applied for a “real” job with “real” human beings.  Cross your fingers she gets it.  I’m so damn proud of my kids…
  • Today was Administrative Assistant’s Day.  I don’t have an assistant, so I don’t have to thank anyone.  I do wonder, however, when it is I-support-hundreds-of-people-in-my-job-not-just-my-boss-and-I-have-a-degree-yet-am-looked-down-on-by-secretaries-and-most-times-I-feel-like-everyone’s-whore Appreciation Day?
  • I just booked an all-girls trip to Disney World this summer.  I wasn’t aware that there is a science to figuring out where to go, when to go, what to do and how long to wait.  Someone told me there are apps for this.  Really.
  • I’m failing miserably at being crunchy.  I’ll elaborate in my next blog post.
  • The people at the 4H camp where Zombiegirl goes every year must think I’m a complete moron.  The last two years,  my daughter’s friends parents have  screwed up the dates we reserve for our girls and every year I have to call the camp up and change it.  I’m tempted to send the kid to camp on a week no one is going and have her make all new friends.  Here we go changing it again.
  • I know you’re getting tired of hearing about my bleeding and hormones and shit, but tough titties…I need to complain again.  Do I really have to bleed on EVERY vacation I take?  This past vacation in Hilton Head saw me in bed all day on Easter hemorrhaging.  Sitting by the pool in long pants is not fun.  At all.
  • Park Avenue in the Spring is wonderful.  There are flowers everywhere!  On the sidewalks, there are these huge planters that bring the flowers up a few feet so you walk down the blocks smelling hyacinths.
  • Why is depression a recurring theme on a lot of the blogs I read?
  • Seems like the Uber-Mommy-Blogger, Dooce, is getting a divorce.  I am not surprised he finally got sick of her crap.
  • Another recurring theme I’m seeing as I surf the web is an unhealthy admiration of Hitler.  I’ve counted six instances of Hitler-love today alone.  WTF, people?
  • The N6 bus is getting worse now that the MTA has sold off their Nassau County routes.  I stand for an hour each way now because it’s so packed and risk getting shot when fights break out.  Remember- don’t make eye contact and don’t laugh when the people fighting say things like “you couldn’t get laid if you paid for pussy” or “you call that mess a weave?  It looks like a bird’s nest to me”.  Woo boy.
  • That twitch in my eye that’s been going on for two weeks?  Clogged ducts.  I now have to massage my eyes every night to get my ducts unclogged.  Why does this shit happen to me?  Have you ever heard of ANYONE getting clogged ducts?
  • If I don’t make contact with anyone in my office, I could theoretically wear the same thing the next day.  Avoiding people all day long could save mega dollars in cleaning bills!

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Tweets I Would Have Twittered

Still haven’t mastered the Twitter thing.  What the hell IS a hashtag, anyway?  Too bad, there are a few celebrities and people of note I would like to follow.  I feel like I’m missing out.

But if I DID Twitter, here are some things I would tweet, but don’t because I’m a twit…

  • Men love watches like women love shoes.  I understand the love, but must I be surrounded by watch geeks everywhere I am?
  • Why didn’t the Ramones finish saying the word “basement” in their song “I Don’t Want To Go Down To The Basement?”  Was it a punk thing?
  • While sitting in a cube farm, is it necessary to make all your phone calls on speaker?
  • It’s raining and the bus is crowded.  If you don’t want my umbrella to drip on you, get your ass up and let me sit down.
  • This morning I saw a young guy with a full unruly beard. My first thought was “messy hippy” until in the middle of his conversation he started stroking it.He was elegant.
  • Proud Mommy Moment: Zombiegirl was inducted in the National Junior Honor Society last week.  As did 60% of her soccer team.
  • Thank you, Tim and Chicks for a great weekend at Belleayre Mountain. Saturday night’s 3D adventure (dining, drinking and darts) was a much needed night out.
  • Because of the Etiennes, Zombiegirl now has two new passions- sushi and snowboarding.  Thanks guys.
  • In three weeks, I’ve painted three rooms and laid down three wall-to-wall carpets.   Now the girls can walk on cushion-y softness…
  • The takeover of the MTA Nassau County buses by a private firm have improved the service only marginally.  Let’s hope it gets better.
  • Good luck, @Cheesesticks, in your classes this semester!
  • PEOPLE!  Stop sending out emails with misinformation!  At least check SNOPES.COM to verify if what you’re forwarding is correct or not.  I’m going to start calling you out.
  • Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things…the wise words of a wise man, Steven Tyler.
  • My February filled up way too fast! I have two Heartz and Craftz parties booked, a jewelry party with Eileen (Sparkle-tini 2012!), a soccer tournament, Zombiegirl’s Youth Retreat, three cookie decorating parties, Z-girl’s winter dance, winter recess, Valentine’s Day and…and…I’m probably forgetting something…
  • Although I don’t agree, I like what Ron Paul said about a proposed lunar colony; “I don’t think we should go to the moon, I think we maybe should send some politicians up there.”
  • <Name omitted> If I were married to you, I’d cheat too.
  • Facebook is dead, the novelty has worn off.  Only a few of my die hard friends post anymore.  It’s been commercialized and taken over by corporations and isn’t fun anymore.  Well, except for Words With Friends…
  • I think my cat is having seizures.

Tweets I Would Have Twittered

I’m a twit.  I have a Twitter account but have no farking idea how to Tweet.  @ and # and %^&!? Thanks, but no thanks.  I do like the idea of putting out short “in the moment” ideas and feelings instead of typing 1,024 words about a recent bus incident.   But I just can’t figure Twitter out, and I don’t want my head up my phone’s ass all the time.

So I jot them all down on paper.  What for? I haven’t a clue, but I’m going to put them here anyway.  It was time to clean out my pocketbook.

The one that started it all:

  • My friend said “Wait, what?”  I punched him in the arm because I thought he was calling me a twat.
  • If you knew what I had in my bag, you wouldn’t sit next to me on the bus.
  • I kicked an acorn all the way to my bus stop.  It will probably be the highlight of my day.
  • @annoying soccer mom: Next time you waste 15 minutes of my time telling me about your son’s job at your country club I’m going to stick my umbrella into your eye.
  • @annoying soccer mom:  Next time you manage to slip into the conversation that you own 11 stores, I’m going to stick my umbrella into your other eye.
  • @annoying soccer mom:  I don’t care about where you went to school, where your husband went to school or where your child goes to school.  Shit like that doesn’t impress me.  Please go away.
  • On the way to work I stopped to smell the roses.  I missed my bus.
  • I think the dog/cat/lizard peed on my sneakers. I get a whiff and a squish every time I walk.
  • If I had a bus and a CDL license, I would be gunning for your ass right now.
  • Weigh, twat?
  • My firm doesn’t have to lay off 3,500 persons.  Just fire the one person that lost $2,300,000,000.00 in bad trades.
  • What does coconut water really supposed to taste like?  I’ve had this box for 2 years…
  • I just beat out somebody bidding on a wedding dress on eBay.  I’m using it for Halloween.  What if she really wanted to wear it for her wedding?  I suck.
  • There isn’t enough Black Cohosh on the planet to soothe the last five days of my raging anger.
  • I looked up my old therapist.  She’s retired, battling cancer.  I feel bad we never talked about her and her life.
  • Zombiegirl’s soccer team sucks. The girls really aren’t trying.   If one more parent tells me their kid isn’t going to go on to play soccer when they’re older as an excuse for their kid not playing their heart out now I’m going to explode.  I’m going to need more umbrellas.
  • My kid has been invited to 4 sleepovers in less than a week.  Why can’t adults have sleepovers?
  • How do squirrels remember where they put their nuts?  No, really.  I want to know.
  • I’m friends with @DianaGabaldon, @NeilGaiman, @ChristopherMoore, @CrystalBowersox, @Regretsy and @DunkinDonuts on Facebook.  I read the comments on their statuses more than I do my friend’s statuses.
  • My husband needs mental Post-it notes.
  • I want a tattoo of a mockingbird but it is one boring looking bird.
  • One Million Moms are wrong about boycotting Schweddy Balls.  Kids will find nothing vulgar about the name if they haven’t seen the SNL skit.  If I see Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls ice cream at the store, I’m buying two.

Okay, pocketbook is lighter.  I may need to weigh it down with the “Twitter for Dummies” book.