Tweets I Would Have Twittered if I Wasn’t Such a Twit

  • Stop reading whatever you’re reading and go read “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” by The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson.  I just finished it and I laughed until tears flowed down my leg.  It’s seriously funny, y’all.
  • Tears shed at a height of 36 inches will make a spatter 8 inches wide.  I know because I measured.  I secretly want to be Dexter.  And not just to measure blood spatter patterns.
  • When I write MY book, there will be a character named Patsy.  She bakes cakes for people who forget her birthday, loans money to people who talk behind her back and does all sorts of nice things for people who treat her badly.  Her life will be a parallel of mine.
  • Does anybody want a recycle bin?  We made one as a prototype for our Green Team to put on the fields, but after we spent $100, precious time and frustration dealing with the designer (MR) the ASSistant Superintendent of schools tells us he feels wood is not the best choice.  The kids might burn it down.  They did try to burn the school down, so I guess that was a good call.  We’re still stuck with this hobo-proof bin, however.
  • I’ve decided not to have any more birthdays.  They only make me sad and disappointed.  Next year, maybe we’ll go on a fantastic trip to celebrate our (not) turning 50.  After that, I’m ignoring April 21st.
  • I got suckered asked to take a part in the play Zombiegirl is in at church to raise money for the Youth Group to go to New Orleans this summer.  The person playing the part dropped out and then her understudy had to quit.  It’s a mystery (the play, not the reason they keep dropping out).  I play a wealthy heiress with a boy-toy boyfriend.  Yay.
  • Zombiegirl made the Middle School softball team and was asked to train this summer with the High School soccer team.  Beena got “TEACHER OF THE MONTH” at the learning center because her pupils are doing so well on the SAT’s.  Cheesestick applied for a “real” job with “real” human beings.  Cross your fingers she gets it.  I’m so damn proud of my kids…
  • Today was Administrative Assistant’s Day.  I don’t have an assistant, so I don’t have to thank anyone.  I do wonder, however, when it is I-support-hundreds-of-people-in-my-job-not-just-my-boss-and-I-have-a-degree-yet-am-looked-down-on-by-secretaries-and-most-times-I-feel-like-everyone’s-whore Appreciation Day?
  • I just booked an all-girls trip to Disney World this summer.  I wasn’t aware that there is a science to figuring out where to go, when to go, what to do and how long to wait.  Someone told me there are apps for this.  Really.
  • I’m failing miserably at being crunchy.  I’ll elaborate in my next blog post.
  • The people at the 4H camp where Zombiegirl goes every year must think I’m a complete moron.  The last two years,  my daughter’s friends parents have  screwed up the dates we reserve for our girls and every year I have to call the camp up and change it.  I’m tempted to send the kid to camp on a week no one is going and have her make all new friends.  Here we go changing it again.
  • I know you’re getting tired of hearing about my bleeding and hormones and shit, but tough titties…I need to complain again.  Do I really have to bleed on EVERY vacation I take?  This past vacation in Hilton Head saw me in bed all day on Easter hemorrhaging.  Sitting by the pool in long pants is not fun.  At all.
  • Park Avenue in the Spring is wonderful.  There are flowers everywhere!  On the sidewalks, there are these huge planters that bring the flowers up a few feet so you walk down the blocks smelling hyacinths.
  • Why is depression a recurring theme on a lot of the blogs I read?
  • Seems like the Uber-Mommy-Blogger, Dooce, is getting a divorce.  I am not surprised he finally got sick of her crap.
  • Another recurring theme I’m seeing as I surf the web is an unhealthy admiration of Hitler.  I’ve counted six instances of Hitler-love today alone.  WTF, people?
  • The N6 bus is getting worse now that the MTA has sold off their Nassau County routes.  I stand for an hour each way now because it’s so packed and risk getting shot when fights break out.  Remember- don’t make eye contact and don’t laugh when the people fighting say things like “you couldn’t get laid if you paid for pussy” or “you call that mess a weave?  It looks like a bird’s nest to me”.  Woo boy.
  • That twitch in my eye that’s been going on for two weeks?  Clogged ducts.  I now have to massage my eyes every night to get my ducts unclogged.  Why does this shit happen to me?  Have you ever heard of ANYONE getting clogged ducts?
  • If I don’t make contact with anyone in my office, I could theoretically wear the same thing the next day.  Avoiding people all day long could save mega dollars in cleaning bills!

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.