Tweets I Would Have Twittered

I’m a twit.  I have a Twitter account but have no farking idea how to Tweet.  @ and # and %^&!? Thanks, but no thanks.  I do like the idea of putting out short “in the moment” ideas and feelings instead of typing 1,024 words about a recent bus incident.   But I just can’t figure Twitter out, and I don’t want my head up my phone’s ass all the time.

So I jot them all down on paper.  What for? I haven’t a clue, but I’m going to put them here anyway.  It was time to clean out my pocketbook.

The one that started it all:

  • My friend said “Wait, what?”  I punched him in the arm because I thought he was calling me a twat.
  • If you knew what I had in my bag, you wouldn’t sit next to me on the bus.
  • I kicked an acorn all the way to my bus stop.  It will probably be the highlight of my day.
  • @annoying soccer mom: Next time you waste 15 minutes of my time telling me about your son’s job at your country club I’m going to stick my umbrella into your eye.
  • @annoying soccer mom:  Next time you manage to slip into the conversation that you own 11 stores, I’m going to stick my umbrella into your other eye.
  • @annoying soccer mom:  I don’t care about where you went to school, where your husband went to school or where your child goes to school.  Shit like that doesn’t impress me.  Please go away.
  • On the way to work I stopped to smell the roses.  I missed my bus.
  • I think the dog/cat/lizard peed on my sneakers. I get a whiff and a squish every time I walk.
  • If I had a bus and a CDL license, I would be gunning for your ass right now.
  • Weigh, twat?
  • My firm doesn’t have to lay off 3,500 persons.  Just fire the one person that lost $2,300,000,000.00 in bad trades.
  • What does coconut water really supposed to taste like?  I’ve had this box for 2 years…
  • I just beat out somebody bidding on a wedding dress on eBay.  I’m using it for Halloween.  What if she really wanted to wear it for her wedding?  I suck.
  • There isn’t enough Black Cohosh on the planet to soothe the last five days of my raging anger.
  • I looked up my old therapist.  She’s retired, battling cancer.  I feel bad we never talked about her and her life.
  • Zombiegirl’s soccer team sucks. The girls really aren’t trying.   If one more parent tells me their kid isn’t going to go on to play soccer when they’re older as an excuse for their kid not playing their heart out now I’m going to explode.  I’m going to need more umbrellas.
  • My kid has been invited to 4 sleepovers in less than a week.  Why can’t adults have sleepovers?
  • How do squirrels remember where they put their nuts?  No, really.  I want to know.
  • I’m friends with @DianaGabaldon, @NeilGaiman, @ChristopherMoore, @CrystalBowersox, @Regretsy and @DunkinDonuts on Facebook.  I read the comments on their statuses more than I do my friend’s statuses.
  • My husband needs mental Post-it notes.
  • I want a tattoo of a mockingbird but it is one boring looking bird.
  • One Million Moms are wrong about boycotting Schweddy Balls.  Kids will find nothing vulgar about the name if they haven’t seen the SNL skit.  If I see Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls ice cream at the store, I’m buying two.

Okay, pocketbook is lighter.  I may need to weigh it down with the “Twitter for Dummies” book.


4 thoughts on “Tweets I Would Have Twittered

  1. I love your posts. I appreciate the all-at-once approach,
    ’cause I don’t want my head up my phone’s ass all the time either.
    I also love Regretsy.
    And your tattoo idea.
    And your comment to One Million Moms
    And that I relate to raging anger.

    I rode the public bus system for five years in L.A. and when my nose wasn’t in a book I spent the rest of the time having extremely violent fantasies about killing everyone on board. It passed the time.

    • CF4L, Jansie! lol! That is one clever bunch over at Regretsy. When I need to calm down, I read the comments- they always make me laugh!

      Oooh, let’s see how many creative ways to kill mass transit bus riders we can come up with.

      Do you twitter? I’ll follow you, but I don’t know what I’m doing…

  2. I do Twitter. I’m jansie0920.
    I’m never on there though, unless I’m re-Tweeting to try and win something. 😉 lol Just being honest. Who has time to read all that? I don’t get it.

    Yup, Regretsy is an instant mood lift. Love Helen Killer!

    I don’t know how good I am about creative ways to knock off fellow passengers…I usually just went for the instant satisfaction of an Uzi.

  3. 🙂 Well, this sleepover is going well so far… it’s 10:30pm and the running and screetching is winding down. My kid wasn’t invited to any of the others, and she let me know about it 😦 …a few times 😦 I love your idea of adult sleep-overs! We’ll have to figure that one out!

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